You Can’t Have Heat and Crisp Air Simultaneously. Never Ever.

So those of you who know Ryan or read any of my ramblings about road trips with Ryan know he has a strict rule about no air conditioning or heat on and car windows down simultaneously, like EVER. Never ever. Something to do with gas mileage or the value of Pi as it relates to

Raking out the Wildebeests in the Ancient Rock Walls.

There totally needs to be a Strava for yard work. Because today I raked like 435,000 leaves, most of which have been festering in my yard since the Eisenhower administration, and if there was such a barometer for strenuous activity/calories burned/fetid leaves pulled from crevices, I would doubtless get a King of the Hill Mountain

Now I Know Why Ryan Won’t Bike With Me: Because I am Fat, and Slow, and I Complain too Much.

So I did this today. Mostly because I was totally sick of saying and hearing the word toilet, and also a lot because it is FINALLY 80 degrees out, and I unsuccessfully tried to put on my shorts from last summer that used to pull off without unbuttoning them and today they were like HAHA

A PSA ABOUT MAGIC TOILETS: This Asshole will ruin yours if pee in a Blender Potty. YOU’RE WELCOME!

This, my friends, is the little asshole that caused us to sample every friend shower in Henniker and pee outside Naked & Afraid style because we assumed (somewhat correctly but I’ll get there) that our septic was about to dump 1500 gallons of yuck water into our newly renovated house and that is why the toilet that has to basically take everything you flush and incinerate it into molecule-y shreds then launch like a rocket upwards to outer space (a concept I still don’t get, kind of how airplanes don’t fall out of the sky and how giant cruise ships can float) in a hidden mystery pipe was buzzing like it was about to explode. Which I guess it was. So anyway THIS IS THE ASSHOLE THAT MADE THE MOTOR CHOPPING BLENDER BLADE THINGY STOP WORKING!

Chapter 74 of Why My Childhood Sucked by Jack Brown: SHOP VAC’ING YOUR DIRTY SHOWER WATER

Yesterday was the first nice day in like 3 years so everyone in my family was outside doing stuff that resulted in us looking like we mud wrestled a wombat, and we stil cannot shower because all of the alarms are still buzzing because either someone flushed a stuffed animal into the pump up basement

When the Thermostat Says it’s 68 and it’s Actually -5.

Last night I told Ryan to call the heater fixer person because clearly our heat was broken considering I had on 28 layers of pajamas and Ugg boots and heavy fleece thingies one should not have to wear in fucking April, and I was still freezing. And Ryan’s all what does the thermostat say? And