Officially Banned from all Home Improvement Stores. For Being an A-hole.

So I keep getting texts from Home Depot reminding me to pick up my tile order, which is totally a trick to see if I’m a stealy scumbag and going to go back and pretend it wasn’t me who stole my own tile (and their forklift) so I am ignoring it because I imagine the

Things I Will Really Miss After Jack Graduates that I NEVER Thought I Would Miss. Ever.

Prying my eyeballs open with toothpicks Clockwork Orange style to stay awake past 9 p.m. to wait for him to get home to perform the painful alcohol and drug usage sniff test/investigation that sends him into a full blown eye rolling and “This is soooooo stoooopid” meltdown. And is probably why he always wants to

Today’s Fight with Ryan: Leafblowers (again)

This is a recurring argument that I will never, ever win. Or understand. Because it would be one thing if I was asking for a $300 massage from a shirtless guy named Enrique or a pair of stripper heels (actually Ryan would probably buy those, but let’s face it I don’t exactly have stripper heel legs,

What Does Ryan Even Do?

People ask me this all the time: “What the fuck does Ryan even do?” And really it’s difficult (and by difficult I mean extremely boring) to explain, so usually I’m just like, “I don’t know. Something with drugs.” And Ryan gets all angry and says, “Jules, you can’t tell people that because it gives people the wrong idea.” And I’m like,

When Your Kid Rips His Tooth Out and You Stop the Bus to Throw Fruit at a Lacrosse Team.

Today started at 6 a.m. when I got up to take Dillon to the dentist because he came home last night clenching his jaw and screaming in pain about a toothache which I attributed to the enormous 180 pack of Twizzlers he procured now that his brother can drive him to Walmart, and he’s been gnawing

I FUCKING HATE SENIORITIS

IT IS A DISEASE THAT MUST BE CONQUERED. And I was and asshole moron idiot for thinking I should not have interfered in the whole senior project thingy. Jack just rolled in at 9 PM and asked the following: – Do we have a trifold (holy shit is this 5th grade science fair?) – Do

20 Step DIY Plan: How to Tile When Your Family is Assholes

When tiling your own shit on Mother’s Day weekend because you run out of money and no one wants to work for you ever again, there are several steps in the grueling process, so I’ve written a quick 20-step, no bullshit guide to expedite your next home tiling project. You’re welcome. Step 1: Have your spouse wake you up at 4 a.m.

When You Steal a Forklift of Tile from Home Depot. And Think You Got Away With It…

So Mother’s Day came early for me because while I was driving to Will’s lacrosse game on Friday afternoon I got a text AND a voice mail from Home Depot that my tile came in early, almost like they wanted me to spend Mother’s Day on my knees. So I called Ryan and was like DROP

Magnet Magic. All Over Again.

The things you find when cleaning out 15 years of shit from three kids stored in your attic of a house you haven’t occupied in seven years make you realize you’ve been failing at this mom thing for a very long time. Starting with Magnet Magic. When Jack was in kindergarten, he was assigned his first (of many grueling)

Home Depot is Trying To Ruin My Life. And Maybe Get Me Arrested. Rightfully.

For the last nine months of daily trips to Home Depot to buy the endless supply of crap to band-aid together this yurt/camp/mouse house we bought, I always walk by the giant pyramid of tile I want/need to finish our front porch, and every time I pass it my good brain says HEY FAT ASS, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BUY