Home Depot is Trying To Ruin My Life. And Maybe Get Me Arrested. Rightfully.

For the last nine months of daily trips to Home Depot to buy the endless supply of crap to band-aid together this yurt/camp/mouse house we bought, I always walk by the giant pyramid of tile I want/need to finish our front porch, and every time I pass it my good brain says HEY FAT ASS, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BUY

I’ve Fallen And I Can’t Get Up. And My Son is a Sociopath.

So Saturday I was outside trying to clean up the yard and instead of taking 9 seconds to find my own flip flops, I put on a pair of Jack’s size 11’s, so the three inches of extra toe space kept folding over and making me all trippy but it still seemed like too much work

You Can’t Have Heat and Crisp Air Simultaneously. Never Ever.

So those of you who know Ryan or read any of my ramblings about road trips with Ryan know he has a strict rule about no air conditioning or heat on and car windows down simultaneously, like EVER. Never ever. Something to do with gas mileage or the value of Pi as it relates to

Raking out the Wildebeests in the Ancient Rock Walls.

There totally needs to be a Strava for yard work. Because today I raked like 435,000 leaves, most of which have been festering in my yard since the Eisenhower administration, and if there was such a barometer for strenuous activity/calories burned/fetid leaves pulled from crevices, I would doubtless get a King of the Hill Mountain

Now I Know Why Ryan Won’t Bike With Me: Because I am Fat, and Slow, and I Complain too Much.

So I did this today. Mostly because I was totally sick of saying and hearing the word toilet, and also a lot because it is FINALLY 80 degrees out, and I unsuccessfully tried to put on my shorts from last summer that used to pull off without unbuttoning them and today they were like HAHA

A PSA ABOUT MAGIC TOILETS: This Asshole will ruin yours if pee in a Blender Potty. YOU’RE WELCOME!

This, my friends, is the little asshole that caused us to sample every friend shower in Henniker and pee outside Naked & Afraid style because we assumed (somewhat correctly but I’ll get there) that our septic was about to dump 1500 gallons of yuck water into our newly renovated house and that is why the toilet that has to basically take everything you flush and incinerate it into molecule-y shreds then launch like a rocket upwards to outer space (a concept I still don’t get, kind of how airplanes don’t fall out of the sky and how giant cruise ships can float) in a hidden mystery pipe was buzzing like it was about to explode. Which I guess it was. So anyway THIS IS THE ASSHOLE THAT MADE THE MOTOR CHOPPING BLENDER BLADE THINGY STOP WORKING!

Chapter 74 of Why My Childhood Sucked by Jack Brown: SHOP VAC’ING YOUR DIRTY SHOWER WATER

Yesterday was the first nice day in like 3 years so everyone in my family was outside doing stuff that resulted in us looking like we mud wrestled a wombat, and we stil cannot shower because all of the alarms are still buzzing because either someone flushed a stuffed animal into the pump up basement

When the Thermostat Says it’s 68 and it’s Actually -5.

Last night I told Ryan to call the heater fixer person because clearly our heat was broken considering I had on 28 layers of pajamas and Ugg boots and heavy fleece thingies one should not have to wear in fucking April, and I was still freezing. And Ryan’s all what does the thermostat say? And

Shards of Love That Look Like Trippy Pinterest Wallpaper. That Hurt.

After 16 years of having my own bathroom (well I share with Ryan but he is like super neat freaky and knows how sharing works), I am now sharing one with a teenager. Which is usually fine because overall he’s fairly tidy-ish and these days seldom home, but he does practice one disturbing habit that

JUST SAY NO! To Your Teenager. And He Figures Shit Out!

Last week Jack came home and his former cell phone looked like he and his squad used it for target practice. After running over it with a few logging trucks. Then put it in a blender. And I was like I. Don’t. Care. I have bought you freeloading guttersnipes at least 144 cell phones over the last seven