When TSA Thinks You are a Cocaine Dealer. And They Show Everyone Your Underwear.

Consider this my first advice column. A few little travel tidbits offering you some do’s and do not’s for your next plane trip, so perhaps YOU can avoid getting handcuffed and publicly cavity searched while playing toiletry meth lab with TSA.
Consider this my first advice column. A few little travel tidbits offering you some do’s and do not’s for your next plane trip, so perhaps YOU can avoid getting handcuffed and publicly cavity searched while playing toiletry meth lab with TSA.
1) Do not pack a tiny sampling of baby powder that you intend to use to un-grease your motor oil hair in the airport bathroom. TSA thinks baby powder is cocaine. And when TSA sees your little package of baby powder cocaine on the TV, they flag your purple hibiscus backpack and scream,

When Your Debit Card Gets Declined buying Beer & Dog Food because You Forgot You Bought Tires.

This week has provided enough bullshit to fill this poor excuse of a blog for the next decade. It’s like Someone upstairs really enjoys reading this nonsensey banter because every day crazy falls in my lap. Sometimes literally. Mostly wine literally falls in my lap. But sometimes vodka. Or sushi. This week it was four

When You Invite a Complete Stranger to Costa Rica to Sell A House.

My client had given up hope on finding a house he liked because the house selling world suddenly has some crazy 2007-ish vibe of low inventory and multiple offers and Realtors stabbing each other and writing contracts that include a new Mercedes and bars of gold for the seller so their clients win, and it’s very difficult

When You Forget to Drop Your Kid off at School. In a Snowstorm.

Yesterday was a typical Monday, if typical means you wake up to a snowstorm on March 21st, the day you have a closing at 8:30 a.m. and a final walk-through at 7:45 a.m. at a house that’s like 100 miles away, and you have to leave six days early because despite every other school in

The Day They Shop-Vac’d Will Out and Made Him Kind of Asian

So when they wheeled my fat ass past all the drunks and transvestite hookers in the ER and into the delivery room, I screamed down the hall to the nurse, “Where’s that big ass needle of magic numbing, and can you grab me a dixie cup of pain killers and Valium while you’re at it?” And they’re

Transvestite Hookers With Green Wigs and Pepperspray…

It was 15 years ago today that I woke up to my house on fire and Ryan half dead because he decided to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on March 16th knowing I had to miss the actual St. Patrick’s Day throw down because I was two weeks late with Will and weighed 205 pounds and basically

Irish Tequila.

Ryan: Tequila? Why’d you buy that? Special occasion? Me: Duh, do you even know what Thursday is? Ryan: Um, the 17th? The day before our son’s 15th birthday. Me: Yea. Hence the tequila. Dumb ass. Ryan: So you bought tequila for St. Patrick’s Day? Or Will’s birthday? Me: St. Patrick’s Day… what’s wrong with you?

Ethan Hawke & Uncle Buck Mile High

As usual I was late for my flight because it was spring ahead or move up or some shit that made my clock wrong, and my hotel room looked like a vampire cave at 7 a.m., and my cattle car boarding number was like X89 because I never remember to log in and check in or whatever convoluted shit

Cattle Car Obama-mobile Shoebox on Wheels.

For those of you, like me, who haven’t had the pleasure of flying Southwest in awhile, here’s quick refresher of what it’s like: You take an assortment of 412 jumpy cats, bitey pit bulls, lethargic elephants and screaming babies, you give them each a speed pill, a casket on wheels that is 3 inches larger

Parenting Is Hard… And I Don’t Think I’m Doing it Right

If there was a proven correlation between good parenting and the number of miles you’ve driven your kids to various kid events that make you want an IV of vodka, or the amount of dollars you’ve spent on their endless list of crap, or the number of hours they didn’t spend in day care, then I would