Uncategorized – Page 5 – Mom Is Mental (& a little drunk)

No Means Effing NO!

I’m not sure what the hell they are teaching kids in school today, but when I was a teenager, we all learned that NO absolutely, undoubtedly MEANS NO! And really I must have failed miserably at my combined 109 years of parenting these cherubs of want because not a single one of my offspring grasps this fuckingContinue reading “No Means Effing NO!”

White Wine Cranky. Red Wine Pissed.

So I look over while cleaning up after dinner an Ryan is dumping half a bottle of white wine in the sink. And I’m like HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE HELL???? And Ryan’s talking about it’s been in the fridge for two days and probably skunked. And I’m like WHITE WINE DOESN’T SKUNK! AndContinue reading “White Wine Cranky. Red Wine Pissed.”

When You Kill Your Friend with Peanut Butter then Flood Your House.

So Friday morning I woke up at 5 a.m. after sleeping for like four minutes because I was in the ER with my friend until 1:00 a.m. because she is allergic to peanut butter and accidentally ate some peanut butter* and almost died, and after driving her straight to the fire department in town where they shoved her ass in an ambulanceContinue reading “When You Kill Your Friend with Peanut Butter then Flood Your House.”

Why Craigslist Sucks.

Posting shit on Craigslist reminds me why I am glad I don’t date. Every unstable nut job whacko weirdo whose educational journey concluded in 1st grade suddenly is seeping out of the woodwork to poorly haggle and harangue you until you fold from exhaustion and give away your priceless shit for free to the first person who shows up atContinue reading “Why Craigslist Sucks.”

When You Leave for a Weekend. Then Lose Your Shit.

You know those weekends you love because you’re getting away with friends and there will be like absolutely no one you are related to there asking you for shit like money and rides and food and then nagging you about where’s my blah blah and there’s nothing good to eat? I just had one of those! Then you ride homeContinue reading “When You Leave for a Weekend. Then Lose Your Shit.”

Will’s Lessons on how Catholicism Works.

Here a few things Will has learned from the Priest since school started: It’s called a pew, not a bench. It’s a wafer, not a cookie. You do not EVER chew the cookie wafer, as it represents the body of Christ. Nor do you have more than one ‘because you were hungry’. The thing atContinue reading “Will’s Lessons on how Catholicism Works.”

“A Sprinkle of the Black Stuff…”

Monday I came across a real estate listing that intrigued me so much, I had to call the listing agent. It said: “Some freeze damage resulted in a sprinkle of the black stuff…” I’m like, huh? What black stuff? A “sprinkle” is typically used to describe a spice. Not a home that was destroyed by an iceberg. So I called theContinue reading ““A Sprinkle of the Black Stuff…””

When I Shut Down the GW Bridge. Because Free is Too Expensive.

Not to sound paranoid, but I think Ryan is trying to kill me. Again. Because he suggested I look into getting another Toyota van. Which is exactly how he tried to kill me five years ago. I think he finally realized that every time he sends me out in the death trap Buick with theContinue reading “When I Shut Down the GW Bridge. Because Free is Too Expensive.”

Today’s Argument with Ryan.

Ryan: Julie, what did you feed the dog today? Me: Nothing. Dog food things. Why? Ryan: Because she’s been out every 10 minutes. And it’s not pretty. Me: Oh, I forgot to give her her medicine yesterday, so I doubled up today. Maybe that’s it. Ryan: That’s not how medicine works. You’re not supposed to doubleContinue reading “Today’s Argument with Ryan.”