The Electricity Snitch Gadget is Ruining My Life.

There are a lot of sayings I don’t understand, and “cold as balls” is totally at the top of the list. Probably because I don’t have balls. And I don’t know how ball anatomy works. COLD makes me think about penguins. And glacier sized ice cubes. Which is what my hands felt like until today. Inside my office. Because the last few days it was

Viva Mexico. Without a Toothbrush…

  At 4 a.m. yesterday I dropped Jack at school for his Mexico trip. Wearing pajamas. Because, duh, it’s four fucking a.m. I naively assumed this was a typical drop and run, like you do for the sports bus. Or a movie. But no. It was not. Parents not dressed in pajamas were walking their children into

Technical Support Epic Fail.

After 114 minutes on hold and 13 minutes answering 100 questions about my computer, I explained my technology fail to the tech support person (and yes I am sure this is all my fault because I get huffy and agitated when shit doesn’t work, and I’m an asshole, but she totally won this round because  my “ticket” ended up in

When You Shut Down the School Pick Up Line… Again.

There is nothing more stressful, if stressful is synonymous with clusterfucky, than afternoon pick-up at Will’s school.  This is how it works: Take your car, and drive it directly into the middle of a 245 car pile-up where everyone is in a huge rush to get out of the pile up, and evidently on some sort of drug

Ménage á Trois. Uno. Not Happening.

Apparently someone got the wrong idea when I said the only thing I want for Valentine’s Day is for you to get the motherfucking critters out of the ceiling. To Ryan, that translated into: She totally wants a Ménage á Trois for Valentine’s Day. Because this is what I got for Valentine’s Day. And really this is not

The Squirrels ARE Back. Thanks Geico. For Ruining my Valentine’s Day.

We are the Geico commercial. Because the motherfucking squirrels ARE BACK. And yes, it’s totally personal this time. Thanks Geico. I paid my auto insurance late ONE TIME and this happens??  Last night we woke up again to chupacabras break dancing in the ceiling. That, or porcupines were rearranging their bedroom furniture in the rodent hotel

When Your Realtor’s Head Ends Up in a Snow Blower.

For Christmas Jack wanted a new camera, and really that was like a total no-brainer because when I was 16, I wanted a case of Natural Lite and carton of Virginia Slims for Christmas. Ryan said a camera was too expensive (because this is a guy who thinks leaving the TV on during commercials is too expensive), and

Diabolically Opposed Diametrics

Me: Wow! Bernie AND Trump?? You couldn’t pick two more diabolically opposed candidates. Ryan: Um, do you mean diametrically opposed? Me: I don’t know. What the hell does diabolical even mean? Ryan: Oh my God. Did they let you vote? Me: Is diabolical when you’re all like the devil. Or like the Incredible Hulk? Ryan:

Rockin’ My C(r)ock

Sunday at Pat’s Peak, some guy stopped next to me in the parking lot, bent down and said, “Rockin’ my cock.” I was like, “Come again?” Again he said, “Rockin’ my cock.” I’m like, “Hey, I’m flattered and all, but no thank you. I don’t think that’s allowed in the parking lot.” And then he pulled off his

When Your Realtor Gets Arrested for Painting Her Client’s House…

Being in real estate is like the least boring job in the entire world. Only replace ‘in the entire world’ with ‘of the jobs I have done in the last decade’. Which unfortunately do not include: court judge, astronaut, stripper. Realtor is a close second to bartender in my resume of un-boring stints. But as a bartender, when you screw up, your clients just